Basically just focus on everything after the second paragraph. I know thats the weakest part of my paper. Let me know what other info you'd like to see in there and things of that nature.
A main problem I have with your paper is that you do not cover the perspective of the gamer. To me, a primary purpose of an exploratory paper is to ensure that all perspectives are covered and no one is left out. You have included a wealth of great information that back up the claim. And your second can be broken up into two or even three paragraphs. Your main claim, which you identified, is scattered, and I feel like it should be more cohesive. Also, you used contractions. NO!
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A main problem I have with your paper is that you do not cover the perspective of the gamer. To me, a primary purpose of an exploratory paper is to ensure that all perspectives are covered and no one is left out. You have included a wealth of great information that back up the claim. And your second can be broken up into two or even three paragraphs. Your main claim, which you identified, is scattered, and I feel like it should be more cohesive.
Also, you used contractions. NO!
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